Monday, June 19, 2017

"I Wanted A Boy" And Other Super Realistic Dad Thoughts

Happy Day After Father's Day! Kudos to all the Dads out there. You put up with some serious shit, especially if you're divorced, so this one's for you. (Keep in mind, it's all in good fun. And a little true. Ok a lot true maybe but still all in fun. Because kids are alright. Sometimes. Sort of. Well, mine are). 

What Dads Really Want To Say, Reality Version.

Sure, yesterday was about honoring and celebrating Dads. They probably got some crappily drawn pictures and maybe got steak instead of hot dogs for once. But deep down, sometimes it's hard for Dads when they realize how much having kids changed their lives. Usually the mothers are the driving force for having children; Dad's are a little more hesitant, and not necessarily thrilled with the thought of MORE MORE MORE.
Especially if they don't particularly even like the person they married anymore. More ties do not equal more happiness--even though women often misguidedly think so and are experts in getting knocked up on purpose. Special place in hell for YOU, gals! So in my observations over the years, I've consulted with the experts (people with penises) and with my BFF, a stand up comic, and have come up with a list of things Dads would, perhaps on a rough day, perhaps EVERY day, like to say to their kids.

You're welcome, guys.

  1. Thanks A LOT for finding my porn and telling your mother.

  1. I hope all of the money I've given you helps you to talk about what an independent woman you are (you're not).

  1. I'm a little sad those condoms were expired.

  1. You ruined my honeypot.

  1. I give you an iphone and you give me shitty drawings. Something's gotta give. Someday I expect MUCH better.

  1. I wanted a boy.

  1. For Father's Day, I want to reflect on what it was like before I had kids.

  1. Thanks for making me late because you were putting on what I can only describe as clown makeup. I could rent you out for my coworker's kids birthday party.

  1. You're like a son to me. Except you're not. I wanted a boy.

  1. I haven't played golf in eleven years.

  1. My favorite shirt from college has vomit stains on it. And NOT from that frat party I barely remember in 1997.

  1. The dates don't match up, but somehow I'm still here. You're welcome. (Also, could you swab your cheek with this Qtip real quick?)

  1. Thanks for being my third child when I had wanted two.

  1. It's 1,162 days until you're 18. Not that I'm counting.

  1. I'm sorry I'm going to warn your future husband if he even slightly seems like a good, reputable guy. I would hate to see another one ruined.

  1. Rehab is on you.

  1. I'm so sorry you were born with mediocre talent at best. You get that from your Mom.

  1. I guess it's too late to say I don't want kids.

  1. I wanted a boy.

  1. I had Super Bowl tickets for when you were born. Somehow I think that would have been a more memorable experience.

  1. I wanted to see Wonder Woman, for the hot girl in the little costume but SURE we'll see Captain Underpants instead. Because THAT really does it for me.

  1. Thanks for ensuring I didn't sleep for five straight years. I hope I get alzheimer's and live with you and often shit myself.

  1. Thanks for ruining any hope of getting the security deposit back by using sharpie on the walls.

  1. I never got that jelly out of the carpet.

  1. I wanted a boy.

And For My Dear Divorced Dads, A Special Few For You:

  1. I'm sorry you look like your Mom. Like really, really, REALLY sorry. I tried.

  1. Thanks for always siding with your Mom even though she's an asshole. Please don't turn out like her.

  1. Sorry I'm not sorry, now that I'm used to it, that I have every other weekend free. 

  1. Just so you know, OFF is the only thing your mother won't F***.  Please make better choices in the future.

 I hope I offered a little laughter in the storms of life, when days are really really hard to be a Dad. You are loved, appreciated and respected, all you good Dads out there! Thank you for all you do!