Monday, March 13, 2017

I Got A Man (He's Not Tryin To Hear That)

So I was in a 90's music video this morning. Well, it pretty much felt like it.

We have a breakfast/brunch spot that we frequent on our solo weekends, and often during the week, on my days off, I will take my laptop there and write. I tend to focus better outside of the house.

So there's this creeper of a server at this restaurant. You ladies know what I'm talking about; a guy that throws out the vibe that he's oh so into you but doesn't want to say so outright.

I've noticed several times that he's waited on us; he'll only make eye contact with me when we order; even if my husband is saying something-- dude is answering to me.

He's just SO NICE and trying to act like he's just that cool guy.

It ANNOYS me, but he hasn't said anything wrong so I brush it off.

We were there yesterday; dude saw me with my husband. I kept hoping we would NOT get him as a server and thankfully, we got a lady south of seventy. I was more than happy with Fran, Fran looked more likely to hit on my husband, to my great relief.



Today I went in to do some writing and my heart sank when I saw so cool guy was one of the only servers on a slower Monday morning. Thankfully, a serve who appeared to be a relative of Fran, let's say Nan, swooped me up into a booth.

I got Nan.

And breathed a sigh of relief that I'd be able to write without being ANNOYED.

Now, I get that it sounds stupid that I'm annoyed that someone attempts to flirt with me. But that's beside the point.

He knows that I am married. He sees me with my husband. I wear a ring.


Today, he was overt. And I got mad.

Nan had taken my order, and this guy was walking down the aisle where my table was. Another server, let's say Gertie, strolled by at the same time. Dude says, as he's walking by my table, "Hi beautiful!" and though I KNOW KNOW KNOW he wasn't talking to Gertie, I pretend he was and ignore his nonsense.


Those diamonds that the sun is bouncing off of on my left ring finger?


I think he felt stupid because he didn't come around for a good twenty minutes. I was seething a little, though.

It's NOT insulting to be called beautiful.

But it IS insulting when the one saying it knows full well that you are very much married.

Funny, he has NEVER said such a thing in the presence of my husband. EVER. What exactly is your end game Dude, because you're obviously seeking my attention?

A few minutes later, he comes around again, stops at my table. Leans over and says, "You're so pretty. I like your outfit today!"

I look down. I take in my blue and white striped loose Old Navy t-shirt and the distressed jeans and flip flops that I'm wearing. An outfit that shouts nondescript and "Hey it's Monday and I just dropped my kids off at school". Also, I didn't even brush my hair. So let's back it up right now, Mister. My outfit says "go ahead and leave me be" and  NOT, "HEY, THE HUSBAND IS AT WORK SO START DROPPIN' SOME COMPLIMENTS BECAUSE I'M JUST A FEMALE WHO CAN'T THINK FOR MYSELF AND I AM JUST SO DESPERATE FOR MALE ATTENTION THAT I NEED THE ******** SERVER TO MAKE MY DAY."

Think about it. Think how disrespectful and dishonoring it is to KNOW someone is taken, but to wait until she's alone to say something to her.

So, Dude, I realize there are women out there who won't say no to whatever man throws them attention, but I'm not going to be one of them.

I texted my husband the story and told him we'd be going to a different location from now on, because if Dude is going to make it weird and be disrespectful of someone married, then we'll go somewhere else.

There's a big difference between just telling someone they're attractive and waiting until someone's spouse isn't present to make more than one attempt to flatter and flirt with them.

No Thanks, Server Dude.

I didn't even stay to write. I left, and shook my head as I drove home.

It dawned on me that this was the exact issue in that piece of music excellence from 1992, by the infamous Positive K. (I know, I didn't even know who did this song nor what he's done since, IF ANYTHING, but I sure knew this song).

I'm happy with the man who will probably still call me beautiful when I round 50 and 60 and 70 and 80....and that's the only man whose opinion of me matters.

Take heed, Server Dude.

I GOT A MAN.  <-----------you're welcome that this will be stuck in your head.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

On Daddy-Daughter Dances. #NOPE

Yeah, I said it. Don't be mad.

Daddy-Daughter Dances are CREEPY AS HELL. 

Aww, I'm such a killjoy, right? Its SO SWEET for Daddy (first of all STOP calling him that if you're over two years old) to take his little princess out on a DATE, complete with FLOWERS, DRESSING UP and SLOW DANCING.

No. That's not weird AT ALL.

Yes. Yes people, it IS.

There's an epidemic out there ya'll; it's called daughter worship. It's a glorification of daughters and a princessification of girls. It's forcing Dads to go on "dates" with their daughters. To go to dances at school that are supposedly to create an everlasting bond and "teach daughters how a man should someday treat them, because their Daddy is just SO AMAZING and loves little princess SO MUCH that he should absolutely date her."

It makes my skin crawl.

The definition of a "date"?: A meeting of two persons where at least one has a "romantic interest" in the other. Romantic interest can either mean one has a romantic feeling toward another, the feeling can either be described as love, crush or simply wanting to find out if there is possibility for a romantic relationship.


Has no one heard of the Electra complex? The gender-switching opposite of Oedipus? It's where the female child considers herself in competition for her fathers romantic affection. So in essence, isn't the daddy-daughter dance an extension of "Haha, he's dating ME and not YOU"?

It makes things awkward. It romanticizes a relationship that should not be romanticized. It is akin to the atrocious "Purity Balls" that are out there. Girls being paraded in front of others, pledging their VIRGINITY to their father until their husband comes along.

A freaking purity ball.

I would have RATHER DIED than have done something like that. When I got my period and my Dad was away for police training at Northwestern University, Mom made me call him to tell him. She handed me the phone and I said, "I'm a woman, here's Mom." NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT HAVING THAT DISCUSSION.

I get the concept of abstinence before marriage, I understand that's the "best way" in the minds of most people, but to humiliate and minimize a young lady in that way is abhorrent. Where is her own God-given will? Where are the decisions she'll make for herself? Is she so weak and unable to make solid, conscious, GOOD choices on her own that she has to pledge the most private part of her maturation to her FATHER? What in the ever-loving HELL?

My Dad has been approached for blessings to marry me twice in my life. Instead of "handing over the keys", my Dad's response was; "She is an adult and she can make her own decisions." How beautiful and amazing is that?! Imagine--my Dad knowing that he raised me strong, I could decide for myself and if I made the wrong one, I'd learn and figure it out--because I was CAPABLE and he believed in me. What an amazing, loving gift to a daughter. (He still, for the record, fully expected them to at least ASK, because he's my Dude). 

Daddy-Daughter dances, in the same way, insert a tone of fatherly ownership. Pretty yourself up for Daddy and he'll do nice things for you. Oh, and he'll be told when, where and how to do so. We're going to schedule some forced time for him to spend with you where he can do the hokey-pokey and other things he just LOVES doing in public. 

Hey ya'll, here's a concept: How about let's not force Dads to take their daughters to a dance (which, let's face it, most Dads would rather NOT do) and instead focus on one-on-one relationship with them? Talks about REAL issues and feelings. Activities that you both enjoy. Maybe Dad teaches his daughter about how great baseball is. Maybe he teaches her to shoot. Maybe he teaches her how to protect herself and to never settle for anything or anyone that does not suit her. 

These dances started in an era when Dads were sold out to their work; they spent minimal time with their kids and Mom was at home. Those days are long gone! Dads are everywhere now. They're at the school Christmas program. They're driving daughters to cheer practice and teaching them how to drive. They're enduring movies like Frozen and Moana because they're spending time with their daughters and building relationships, not being forced into a social glorification of their daughters.

Let's just stop with the courtship-like pressure for the father-daughter relationship. 

And yes, it's courtship-like. If it isn't then why aren't there Mother-Son dances and events? Why, if you google "Mother-Son Dance" are the ONLY things that come up, photos of Moms and Sons at weddings? 



This very issue was addressed in the greatest tv show of all time: ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

They capitalized on the weirdness of Oedipal and Electra complexes, by making fun of it. Buster and his mother, Lucille, were famous on the MotherBoy circuit. It was hilariously creepy, and we laughed because it should never be and it makes us uncomfortable. 

So, do tell, why is it socially acceptable to have FatherGirl every Spring?

Not to mention, how about the kids whose fathers are total douchebags and took off years ago? How about the Dads who are deployed? The ones who've died? And what pray-tell, in this inclusive society, is supposed to be done about gay children? Is daddy taking his son to a daddy-daughter dance to exemplify how a man is supposed to someday treat his son?

Yeah, I went there. But it's TRUE!

Now, I'm NOT criticizing the Dads that DO take their daughters to this creepy ass tradition. My own husband took two of his daughters and my daughter went with her Dad. I'm thankful for Dads that actually care and build relationships with their kids. But how is a two hour dance going to force that? Shouldn't schools and society mind their own damn business and let parents and kids figure out their own relationships?

Let's stop putting daughters on a pedestal while simultaneously devaluing sons in society. Sons are equally precious and, in my opinion, overall kinder, quieter, more sweet and loving than are daughters. They are valuable and worthy of time spent and having relationships built too. Where are the society-ordered events for them and Mom?

If you really want to impact both your sons and your daughters, moms and dads?

Love your wife. Even if it's their stepmom. Love your husband. Even if it's their stepdad. Treat each other well. Date EACH OTHER. Show affection. Make sure they see that you value one another and that you do kind things to one another. MODEL healthy relationships. BE who you want your sons and daughters to be. They don't need Daddy (PLEASE DEAR GOD STOP SAYING DADDY IF YOU'RE NOT TWO--I ASKED NICELY--TWICE) to bring them flowers and slow dance with them.
They need to see DAD-NOT-DADDY slow dancing in the kitchen with the woman he loves. They need to see Mom bringing the man she loves his coffee and kissing his forehead.

That's where they learn romance. That's where they learn relationships, love and equal partnership.
Don't let them down.

And to my DAD-NOT-DADDY, thank you. Thank you for not taking me to those creepy dances in the basement of the church. Thank you for spending time with me and teaching me the things that only you could have; I can shoot a gun, throw a ball, parallel-park, know what's going on in a football game, change a tire, throw down some sarcasm and be a tough-love mom because you gave it all to me. You've loved Mom unconditionally for 44 years. You didn't need the world telling you how to treat me. You taught me what I needed to know and let me fly. You trusted me to make my own decisions.

And THAT'S exactly how you raise a daughter. 

PS: My opinion may be unpopular, or maybe it's not. Either way it's okay because this is my blog.

My Dad raised a free thinking daughter. And I'm so, so glad he did.