In keeping with the raucous spirit of protest going on out there, I decided it was time for me to chime on in. Because, if we're going to live in a society where nobody accepts the outcome of freaking ANYTHING, resulting in total societal gridlock, then you betcha (in Sarah Palin voice) I'm gonna let you know all the things that are NOT MY (tongue in cheek version).
1. God is not the boss of me.
Clearly He doesn't know what's best for me. I mean, He's only the omnicient and omnipresent being that created like, every single thing and person in the history of ever, but come on. There's no WAY He knows more than me, let alone what's best for me. Amiright?
2. The Denver Broncos are NOT MY Super Bowl Champions.
Because they're from Denver, and I've never been there, so they can't be champions. The ACTUAL champions, are the Chicago Bears. The won SIX games, and only lost ten last season. Since this was an improvement on their previous 5-11 season, they should be given the benefit of the doubt and awarded the Lombardi trophy, seeing as how they IMPROVED and they participated in the season. It's only fair (sorry, my friend Chelsea, it's only right and you know it).
3. These Stepkids are NOT MY kids, so I shouldn't acknowledge their presence.
I mean, I should only have enough love in my heart and room in my life for the two beings I spat forth in traumatizing cesarean sections and nursed with my own boobs, right? Just because my husband is totally the best guy ever, and he has kids, I can just ignore them and pretend they'll go away. That's socially acceptable in our protesty world, right?
4. The doctors I work with are NOT MY superiors and shouldn't be giving me orders.
I mean, I went to school, too! I am a NURSE. They need to let me perform the surgery even though they're the only ones in the room that did four years of medical school and at least four years of residency (depending on specialty). I have participated in enough surgical procedures, and watched enough times, that I should be allowed to perform the next total knee replacement because it's not that hard. I don't like that they are allowed to write orders for me to fulfill and won't pay me the same, even though I have like, zero percent liability compared to them. It's Not Fair!
5. The police have no right to pull me over or talk to me because they are NOT MY Dads.
Ok, so, partially untrue, because my Dad IS a law enforcement guy and I'm not getting into a power struggle with him because after 40 years of practice, I've learned. BUT just because I was writing this blog while driving 83mph on the east bound 101 (not really true, I'm on my couch, relax) and then rear-end that STUPID "Smart Car" (the irony), that cop has NO RIGHT to show up on the scene and ask what the hell just happened. I am not responsible for my own behavior and consequences. And I sure don't want him showing up when that strange man with the fake arm cast tried to pull me into his volkswagon and said he really loves nurses. I don't need their help, ever. It's not like they risk their lives to protect me every day.
*Side note: arm cast guy thing isn't real, because Ted Bundy is dead via the death penalty. Which I wholeheartedly endorse because, murderers kind of suck.
6. I'm not going to work the hours I was hired for because that is NOT MY schedule.
Seriously, who cares if they hired me to work 12 hour shifts in the ER? I don't feel like it. After like four hours, I'm good. I KNOW that guy is in pulseless VTach in room 3 and will most likely receive a celestial transfer (ie: die) if I don't stay in there, but, I mean, I don't actually know that guy. I participated in defibrillating him for a minute, isn't that enough? Dude. Man up and get your own heart back into sinus rhythm.
7. It is NOT MY responsibility to do the work in my class, I should automatically get an A, because hey, I'm blonde.
Isn't the syllabus, complete with the assigned items required to pass the class just a suggestion? I don't REALLY have to do all of that work, right? I'm blonde. It's sort of an unprotected category of special needs, isn't it? Oh my GOD, this is so much work, I can't possibly be expected to do this. Somebody make me a safe space to curl up in, cry and talk about my feelers. Because they're mortally wounded and I can't possibly go on.
8. It's NOT MY responsibility to support my own kids. I think I should get lots of child support so I can have my life totally funded by somebody else. Because it was just SO HARD getting knocked up.
I have kids. And I'm a woman. So I think that means that I don't have to work like everyone else. My kids' Dad should have to fund my life, even if I'm a total troll to him and he is already half responsible for them. I need more! I worked really, really hard to lie to him about my ovulatory patterns and get knocked up last time, so he should have to fund my vacations and my wardrobe full of faux paus. I will henceforth make him pay forever for having partaken in my subpar bedroom skills.
9. It's NOT MY fault that I am lugging around an oxygen tank and have constant stridor when I breathe, and y'all should just fix me.
Just because I smoked two packs a day for the last 27 years doesn't mean I should have to carry this oxygen tank with me everywhere. And that time that the nasal cannula exploded in my face because I was puffing on a Lucky Strike while wearing my oxygen WAS NOT MY FAULT! So, fix my lungs and my facial burns and reattach my scorched off eyebrows. I shouldn't have to pay the price for my health choices.
10. I have not had a president for EIGHT years, because Barack Obama is NOT MY president.
I really don't care that people elected him. I mean, no one was listening to me when I was trying to tell them he was a bad idea! So I'm going to continue to sit over here and pout and hate every person who ever voted for him and I will NEVER EVER pray for him or his safety, and I will wish him to keel over from a heart attack while in office. I have never accepted that he won, even though it was EIGHT LONG YEARS AGO. I will hold that grudge to my dying day and that's the end of it.
The things that are NOT MY.
Sounds legit in the face of the protests, right?
Hey America, let's all get over ourselves and recognize that sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Sometimes we have to work really, really hard for stuff, and sometimes we're going to fail. Sometimes our team wins (Cubs!) and sometimes they don't (Bears). Some really unfair things are going to happen to us, and it's going to make us sick and drive us crazy, but it just is.
Just go love somebody else, especially if they look, believe, love or think differently than you. It's not a suggestion, it's a mandate from the Creator of the universe.
Now, my cherubs, go forth and take responsibility for thine selves and perhaps, most importantly,
CALM THE F*** DOWN.