Sunday, October 2, 2016

What You REALLY Want To Say To Your Kids (Uncensored Version).



Ever get REALLY FREAKING ANNOYED with your kids? Because I get REALLY FREAKING ANNOYED WITH THEM, and--speak the TRUTH, parentals-- so do you. There are times, moments, that your heart could not be more full and bursting with love as you admire the fruits of your womb and/or…..testicles? I don't know. What's the PC word there? Loins? Does anyone even say Loins? I'm trying to be an equal opportunist for Dads too. Okay. We're going with Wombs and Loins.

Anyway.

Sometimes you're admiring your Womb-Loin fruit, or your Non-Womb Fruit that you get to/have to help raise (ie: stepkids) and thinking "Wow. They're pretty great/smart/thoughtful". Sometimes.

Other times? Not so much.

Oh, you need an example? Like "When does Womb-Loin Fruit NOT make you joyfully bursting with pride?"

Ahh, yes my cherubs. Pull up that chair. Bring it in close. I will share with you the moments that I would rather be having a Brazilian wax via Big Boo from Orange Is The New Black, than dealing with Womb-Loin Fruit/Non-Womb Fruit and their questionable life choices.

(For those of you who aren't watching OITNB, okay, WHY, first of all, second of all, you're probably missing out. Unless you cringe at the implication of relationships that are devoid of males altogether and/or will faint at the sight of boobs. In that case, save yourself and don't watch).

Examples:

  1. A child far too old to act toddlery, sneaking downstairs in stealth mode at 6am on Sunday, pilfering a can of chocolate frosting from the pantry, bringing it back up to their room, eating 3/4 of it, then painting EVERY POSSIBLE SURFACE IMAGINABLE in the bedroom with the remainder. Keep in mind, NOT A TODDLER. A legit school age kid. Sound delightful? Come on over, Big Boo. I'm ready for the torture.
  2. When a kid has a temper tantrum and heaves a Wii remote at the tv, AND BREAKS IT.
  3. Tweens who fill a large blow-up cube with water, haul it to their bedroom together, have pretend pedicures with feet in said water-heavy cube, ON THEIR CARPETED BEDROOM FLOOR. Then, proceed to spill water cube, do a half-assed job toweling it up, not notifying the resident adults. To add fun, the upstairs air conditioning unit goes out and it takes a week to get someone to fix it correctly. In the meantime, the sopping carpet is now HOT, MOIST SOPPING CARPET that renders the upstairs unlivable due to the essence de rotting corpse that has taken over.

So, yeah. Those are those moments. Those are those moments you say, "Are you KIDDING me, right now? What have you DONE?!", when inside your head, the ACTUAL words are "I should have used birth control in 2008." Don't you dare lie! Don't you lie, parental! You KNOW it's crossed your mind. So, I'm here to be your inner voice. To relate to your thoughts. To help you to know you're not alone in your THIS SUCKS moment.

So what do parents REALLY WANT TO SAY? Here are 10 relatable moments for y'all.





When they want to "help" in the kitchen, but it's not real help. It's like, help you would receive from a rabid chimpanzee trying to frost a cinnamon roll.

What you say: "Sure, honey, here, let's get you a butter knife to spread the frosting."
What you mean: "Dear GOD, I just want to finish this so I can watch the stupid game, and now there's going to be frosting and shit EVERYWHERE. And OH MY GOD don't hold the knife like that, what are you, Rosemary Kennedy?! Did you have a lobotomy I wasn't aware of? DEAR BABY JESUS ALMIGHTY."

When they ask you where their shoes/hairbrush/other stupid Barbie shoe/pajamas are. Again.

What you say: "I really don't know, (insert name here), why don't you keep looking?"
What you mean: "How the hell should I know? WAS I USING YOUR STUPID BARBIE SHOE FOR SOMETHING? NO. NO I WASN'T. YOUR EYES ARE STILL 20/20 AND MINE AREN'T. PUT THEM TO WORK AND DON'T YOU MAKE ME GET OFF THIS COUCH…"

When they call your name, and it is easily the 8,953rd time since daybreak that they have.

What you say: "Yes, (insert name here)? How may I be of service to you….again?"
What you mean: (putting face in hands and sighing hard, though no one cares): "I HATE THE SOUND OF MY NAME. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM TO CALL ME BILL OR SOMETHING, THEN WHEN THEY SAID IT ON A LOOP, IT WOULD JUST BE LIKE, 'BILL…BILL….BILL….BILL….HEY BILL….BILL LOOK!' AND I WOULDN'T HAVE HEARD, NOR CARED, BECAUSE MY NAME ISN'T BILL AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN NONE THE WISER."

When they want you to watch them do something/give you "artwork", and you are underwhelmed.

What you say: "Wow! You are truly the greatest at putting twigs in a pile/you are Rembrandt reincarnate!"
What you mean: "Really? What IS that? I could have done that when I was 3 months old and you're SEVEN. Give me something I can work with for once. I can't engage in this fa├žade any longer."

When they are oblivious to the filth around them. And you are not.

What you say: "I want you to clean your room today".
What you mean: "If you don't take the 26 cups and 18 Go-gurt wrappers to the kitchen by 2pm, you will no longer have a room to trash, because I will burn this house to the ground."

When you can't leave the house because they aren't ready yet. Even though you've told them over 281 times.

What you say: "We REALLY need to go. We are going to be LATE."
What you mean: "You are SUCH A JERK! MY KID/STEPKID IS A COMPLETE JERK! My time is MORE VALUABLE THAN YOURS BECAUSE, YOU SEE THIS ROOF? YOU SEE YOUR LUNCH IN YOUR FANCY LITTLE LUNCHBOX? OH, YOU SEE THAT SHIRT YOURE WEARING? THE FACT YOU GOT TO BATHE IN HOT WATER (EVEN THOUGH YOU FOUGHT ME ON THAT TOO) WHILE OTHER KIDS IN MALAWI ARE STEWING IN THEIR OWN FILTH? IT'S BECAUSE I AM ON TIME TO THAT PLACE I GO EVERY DAY, THAT J-O-B THAT FURNISHES YOUR MOUTH WITH THE SPOILS. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THAT SEAT OR WE'RE HAVING A NOTHING BUT VARIATIONS OF SPROUTS FOR DINNER FOR THE NEXT MONTH."
I mean, Amiright?

When they want you to volunteer in their class, with the other parents.

What you say: "Sure, I'll bring the gluten/peanut/flour/sugar/flavor free baked goods with a big, stupid smile on my face."
What you mean: "You realize this means I have to communicate with other parents, and pretend I don't want to run out the door screaming because I'm an introvert and WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THESE THINGS?!"

When it comes as a complete shock to them that they have to brush their teeth/bathe/wake up. Every. Single. Day.

What you say: "Did you, brush your teeth? Can you like, wake up so I can take you to that place you go to 3/4 of every year? Did you take a bath yet?" (You get blank, shocked stares in return).
What you mean: 'SERIOUSLY, DUDE. YOU'RE GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE NEXT WEEK AND YOU HAVEN'T BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? WHAT, THE OTHER 21 YEARS WE'VE DONE THIS ON A DAILY BASIS WASN'T ENOUGH TO TIP YOU OFF THAT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE TODAY? WHOEVER SAID DOING SOMETHING FOR ONLY 21 DAYS MAKES IT A HABIT IS A DAMN LIAR."

When they're plenty old enough to sleep in, but wake you up at 6:14am on Sunday anyway. Before coffee, and ruining any opportunity for fun time with Daddy.

What you say: "Well, good morning! I am here to serve your every whim and need on this fine day."
What you mean: "Kids are assholes."

When they *gasp!* catch you in THE act.

What you say: "Oopsie! We were just having ourselves a jovial wrestling match in the buff, darling."
What you mean: "SOMETIMES MOMMY TAKES A REALLY LONG TIME AND YOU JUST RUINED IT".

Yes, we love them. Yes, someday, we will miss all of the above. Ok, probably not actually, but we'll miss them to an extent. When we're traveling the country and sleeping in until whenever, burning through their inheritance and stopping only to visit THEIR houses and destroy THEIR stuff. We'll probably miss them a little. And yet, lets be real. They're all, just slightly, tiny little pains in the ass. 

But, as our parents will remind us--as they laugh gaily behind us in the midst of our breakdowns--

"What goes around, comes around, honey. Now you TRULY see why it's grandchildren that bring such joy."