I fully admit it, I (and I'm throwing my husband under the bus here, too) am a total Investigation Discovery addict. It's morbid and serious and.....abso-fricking-lutely fascinating.
People are crazy, ya'll. And bad juju happens to more people that you think.
So if you haven't been the focus of, say, Disappeared, Homicide Hunter or The Vanishing Women, consider yourself lucky and join the rest of us.
I totally blame my law enforcement Dad. I remember him coming into my room and handing me a folded newspaper, the picture of a pretty little blonde girl in the corner of the article, back in the olden days when newspapers were a thing and Investigation Discovery was like, C-Span 4*. (*Ugh, C-Span).
"Buddy," he said, referring to me by my life long pet name, "Who killed this kid?"
It was the news of JonBenet Ramsey. I read the article and scrutinized it with the untrusting eye that he'd taught me to have.
"Probably the mother", I said with little hesitation, "They're usually the ones who end up nuts."
He smiled, realizing his teachings had been paying off. His daughter could consider an inside job, not just automatically assume it was a crazy guy who broke in.
Clearly Dad taught me quite a lot, and now watching all of those shows has expanded my knowledge base about nut jobs. So, my dear friends, I would like to pass along,
What I Have Learned From Being An Investigation Discovery Addict.
1. Anybody is capable of anything at any time. Why do you think they're always taking video shots of Uncle Bob on the news, saying "But she was such a nice lady! I had no idea she'd become so jealous of his girlfriend she'd toss the kids out the window!"
2. If I disappear and you don't find me in 48 hours, not only do I hate you now, but I'm dead.
That's the window. 48 hours. Dad better be calling Sheriff Joe to get the whole frigging posse out looking for this girl.
3. If you want to be a crime victim, move to Florida. PRACTICALLY EVERY SHOW TAKES PLACE THERE. Case in point, I know someone who knows someone who knows someone that went to a teeny-tiny high school and *poof* disappeared. The estranged wife was suspected to have potentially fed him to gators, but it was never proven. Learned this while travel nursing in Orlando. Thankfully, I'm alive. I love Florida, but I also enjoy being above ground.
4. LEAVE A LIST OF POTENTIAL MURDERERS OF YOUR BODY SO THAT YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE ISN'T ACCUSED. Because they always blame them first, and believe you-me, my husband is NOT NOT NOT on the list. But there IS a short list. Go get them, they did it. The list is in the top drawer.
5. Don't go wandering the side of a highway that is surrounded by foliage, because you're soon going to be shrub fertilizer. Like, why? Why would that ever be a good idea?
6. Don't loiter in a truck stop. And.
7. Don't work in a gas station.
8. You will be a new kind of paranoid. Yesterday, when the doorbell rang at 4pm and my husband went to answer it, I hunted him down and whisper-screamed: YOUR FLIP FLOPS ARE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE! WHAT IF IT'S THE FEDS?! I KNOW WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING, BUT STILL! FLIP FLOP NOISE! As it turns out, it was the Edible Arrangement of condolences from my coworkers due to my grandmother passing away. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN MORE SINISTER. I was just being vigilant.
9. If you watch it as the last thing of the night, you'll have the recurring dream of that creepy guy that looks like the even creepier guy that was once your interim high school cheer coach that you caught peeking through the curtains of your hotel room on a basketball trip. In the dream he'll stand across the street from your house, his belly lopping over his ill-fitting brown trousers, his beady little close-together eyes staring down his pock-marked nose directly at your front door, waiting to, I don't know, but it's creepy and gross. Do what we do. Snuggle to some reruns of The Office or something equally not nightmare-inducing. Or prepare for creepy staring guy. Your choice.
10. If you enjoy nature, ie: hiking, hunting, fishing, one of these days, you're gonna wander right into a corpse. Because they're out there. BUT DON'T TREAT IT AS YOUR OWN ANTHROPOLOGICAL DIG AND MOVE STUFF AROUND. Evidence is a thing. Duh.
11. If you have an ex-whatever, meet them in front of security cameras if you know what's good for you! And if they're extra douchy, in front of a police station is even better, because they have tasers. You know, in case. Witnesses to their spazzy behavior are Your. Best. Friends.
12. Cops don't care if you're crying, if you just hacked up your friend into bite-size pieces and stuffed him in the garbage disposal. Or the wood chipper. Whatever.
13. Lie detectors, ironically, lie. Which is terrifying and I'd probably confess to initiating the holocaust if I was strapped in, out of sheer panic.
14. If you are a dirty cheater, and your spouse is a little off their rocker, that's the quickest way to end up a subject on ID, apparently. Super bad combo. So take heed, adulterators. The general public doesn't think that's very nice.
15. And if you did something not nice, or, you know, killed 97 people over the span of 16 years and just got caught, the cops are only pretending to be cool with you. Make sure you planned for a penitentiary retirement and socked away some cash for your sort-of necessary attorney. And maybe have them present, because things aren't going to end well.
So there you have it. Fifteen things you probably never knew, and all because I'm an ID addict.
You're welcome. Now hand me the remote.