Oh, you sillies that have never seen Arrested Development. Or, if you have, don't understand it. This clearly means you have no adequate sense of humor, and probably don't belong on this blog or in my Circle of Trust (I'll give my brother a slight pass for not liking it. Which makes zero sense because it's so awesome. But he's my brother, so....)
I introduce to you: Lucille Bluth. Lucille is the Mom that some of us are on the inside. She says the things we would sometimes LOVE to say, even if it means we're being a horrible person. Oh well.
OR Lucille is the nightmare Mom that we NEVER EVER EVER WANT TO BE. You know her. She's the one that popped into your head just now and made you do that internal eye rolling. Yep, that one. She's the Mom that, depending on the situation, we either aspire to be, because oh I wish I could say that, or loathe, being forced to communicate with the that trollop through gritted teeth. You'll either see yourself in her words, or for sure that gal that just rubs you like the most aggressive loofah on the planet. I know I personally incorporate her facial expressions (most especially her killer screwface) as often as possible. Because let's be real. Some Moms are just.....ugh. Either way, this isn't your flowery Mother's Day post. There's enough of the mushy crap out there already.
Whether Jekyll or Hyde, Ms. Lucille has the REAL female nature down.
Happy Mother's Day, Lucille Bluth style, ya'll.
1. When that gal you're not particularly fond of gives you a fake, backsided compliment.
2. When you can't watch Wendy Williams or any E! channel gossip and fashion segments without absolutely needing the reporter to be a gay man akin to Ross Mathews. Because you aren't taking fashion tips from some boring straight lady named Lisa or something. She's just not believable.
3. EVERY SINGLE MAY, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER IN PHOENIX
5. The tragic conclusion to every nursing shift ever worked. Having to drink off campus.
6. When the insecure woman can't handle another woman giving a crap about their kid, because God forbid someone cares and keeps your kid alive when you aren't around. Have several seats.
7. When your kid did something that made you absolutely batshit crazy and you momentarily question why you spared the egg.
8. When one kid is being a jerkface to their siblings and you finally intervene and stick up for the victim.
9. When explaining to your best girlfriend why she is to remove the "fun stuff" from your room immediately in the event of you and your significant other's simultaneous deaths.
10. Those who try and make a point about the whole Donald Trump GREATBIGWALL thing.
11. Listening to that chick who doesn't seem to realize what a gigantic catty B**** she is.
12. To your husband, on the day you hadn't even planned on donning pants.
13. That one Mom that makes it all about her. Yep, you know that one.
15. When you've had just about enough for today.
16. That look you give your man at 5pm on Friday of a no-kid weekend.
17. And how you feel four hours later.
18. When you realized years ago that getting married the first time while young and stupid was perhaps a poor choice (this one applies to men as well, possibly even more so).
19. That moment you end up in the same room with someone you don't fancy. (Find earlier referenced "screwface" here). I'm proud to say I've got this one DOWN.
20. When you realize, truly, that living well is the best answer to the true Lucilles out there.
Which Lucille are you?
Happy Mother's Day.